Surgery Day

I wasn't given a choice on the time of my surgery. 

I was just supposed to show up at 2pm, with the surgery scheduled for 3:30.

I couldn't eat all day so I was just starving. 

I tried to stay busy and get as much laundry and cleaning done as possible. 

Colby came home early, we took P out of school an hour early, and took all the kids to my parents.

After leaving there, we went to the store. 

I just felt the need to buy and release a single white balloon in memory of our baby. 

We walked out along a trial, and stood there for longer than we should have. 

I held the balloon, feeling like it was the only way I knew how to say goodbye. 

I knew we needed to head to the hospital, but I couldn't bring myself to let go of that balloon. 

It felt like I was letting my baby go, and I couldn't bring myself to do it. 

The tears were falling and I felt the immense loss of a child bearing down on me again. 

I wasn't ready. I wasn't prepared. I waited for a miracle. One that would not come.

I finally had to hand the balloon to Colby and told him to release it. 

I literally couldn't bring myself to let the balloon and my baby go. 

After he released it, we watched it drift away as we walked to the car. 

We numbly drove to the hospital and checked in. 

After they checked us in, put in an IV, they told us they were running behind. 

We probably wouldn't get into surgery until at least 6pm. 

This was not the best news, as I was still starving, and not anxious to sit around waiting anymore. 

Every time they came back in, the news got worse. The surgery got later. 

Finally they said we may even need to reschedule for tomorrow. 

I was even more upset at this. No way was I going to come back tomorrow. 

Eventually they were able to change my surgery into a different O.R. and we went in around 5pm. 

They gave me a very painful shot of Heprin in my belly, and medicine in my IV to relax me. 

They said I wouldnt' remember anything from that point, but I do. 

I remember saying goodbye to Colby. I remember being wheeled into a terrifying OR filled with bright lights, nurses, and more.

I moved onto the operating table and talked to the nurses. 

They put an oxygen mask on, and I remember a tear falling as the cold anesthesia hit my IV. 

When I woke up, I looked at my nurse, and said, "My baby's gone?"

She nodded and I cried even more. 

She let Colby come back earlier than they normally allow. 

I felt very out of it for another hour or two before they released me. 

Even then, I still wasn't myself, but I didn't want to stay there. 

We arrived home about 9pm. 

I went to bed and tried to sleep. I had taken a Vicodin to help with the pain, but it just made me wide awake. 

I slept maybe 2 hours that night. I was so exhausted in every way, but could not get my brain to shut down and fall asleep. 

It was awful. The anesthesia still felt strong too and my body just didn't feel like mine.

I needed sleep so badly, and laying there awake, with nothing to think about but my baby, was agonizing. I couldn't even really nap the next day.

But the surgery did go well, and I am relieved to have it over with. 

My body can start to heal now, as can my heart. 

I know there are hard days ahead, but I feel much more peace and calm now.