39 Weeks

Well, I'm 39 weeks today. 

Wasn't really expecting to make it this far and the anticipation is killing me. 

My dr. did say I'm measuring small and I don't think she was very effective when she stripped my membranes. I didn't even feel it. 

I'm feeling pretty good, I just wish I had an end date. 

I'm going crazy playing this little waiting game. 

I've been keeping very busy with my sister here though. 

Swimming, long walks to the park, museums, etc. 

I'm having lots of contractions, but nothing consistent. 

I made another dr. appt for tomorrow morning and hope she will do a better job stripping my membranes and then I can go into labor. 

 I just want to meet the little lady already!

Apparently, life is just too cozy for her right now. :)

38 Weeks

I was 38 weeks on Wednesday, and had my appt today, Friday. 

I have been having a lot of pain/pressure and a lot of contractions over the last month.

Its gotten worse this last week. 

I don't remember being in this much discomfort with my others. 

All the muscles in my stomach just hurt, my hips kill, my back aches. 

My legs feel like they aren't getting much circulation, etc etc. 

I feel like I have far more contractions than I did with my other babies. 

So I was really hoping that i'd be several cm dilated and we could get this baby out this weekend. 

But I was only 2cm dilated and about 50% effaced. 

Which is still better than nothing, but not as far as I would have liked. The Dr. stripped my membranes, which has helped for me in the past. 

Apparently this little girl is not quite ready to come out, which has pros and cons. 

It does give me more time to get a couple things done, but I was really hoping to not be pregnant anymore. :)

And Colby is home over the weekend and doesn't have to worry about missing work. 

 And I really don't want her to come on Maddie's birthday either. :) 

But I guess she will come when she's ready. 

The Dr. did say she would induce me next Thursday or Sunday, but I'd really rather not go that route. 

My sister and niece fly in early tomorrow, so that will be good. 

I want her there to do birth/hospital pics for us, so I'm glad I didn't go in the night before she got here.

So I guess our Saturday will be filled with doing as much walking as possible and staying busy and hoping she comes soon!!

32-36 weeks

I haven't been as good about updating. :(

Life is too crazy. 

My 32 week appt went normal, as did my 36. 

Had Group B strep testing, but she didn't check my dilation yet. 

Wish I would have been thinking clearly and just had her do it though. 

Oh well. 

I'm losing my mind and can't keep track of anything unless its on my phone, WITH an alarm. 

I haven't slept well in weeks, I eat TUMS like candy to fight off the heartburn. 

I waddle like crazy and it takes me far too long to get dressed in the mornings. 

Pretty much everything hurts, all the time. :/

This pregnancy has by far been the worst as far as the physical toll on my body.
I don't know if she is just positioned differently or what, but she is doing a number on my back!

Boston and Maddie both love me to carry them and snuggle them, and I'm trying to do my best, but its so painful just to get Boston out of his crib some days. He also finds it funny to kick me when I'm trying to change his diaper, so....thats fun! 

Colby has started into his busy season and wasn't home a single night last week. 

Thankfuly Peyton is so helpful and will bathe M and B and help me get them to bed. 

I've also temporarily hired a house-cleaner b/c Colby just doesn't have the time and energy to make up for my normal OCD cleanliness. 

And I just don't have it in me either. I still do a lot, but I can't keep up with it all.

I try not to complain and to put on a tough face, but I'm feeling very done. 

And yet, I don't feel like we are 'ready' for her. 

I haven't washed clothes or put anything away. 

I haven't packed a hospital bag. 

Mostly cuz I'm waiting for Colby to finish the guest room, so we can start moving B over there and actually have somewhere to put all the baby's stuff. 

Ahhh someday. 

My baby shower is tonight so that will be fun at least. 

I'm grateful for my ward and friends that I have.

Hopefully we will make a lot of progress in the next week.

20 Weeks and Ultrasound

I've hit 20 weeks! Halfway done, woo-hoo!

We told the kids the big news last night!

The girls are so excited, and Boston is just along for the ride, really. :)

Maddie wants a girl, and Peyton seems to want both a boy and a girl, but a boy slightly more. 

We had an appt for 5pm tonight. 

After a few minutes of checking our babe out, the tech announced that, 

"Its a girl!"

What?!

I told her, "Really, are you sure?"

She showed me again. Yep, its a girl. 

Don't get me wrong- I have no problem with a girl. 

I have been right 4/4 times with my previous babies, and I was so sure this one was a boy. 

I think I had convinced myself that it had to be a boy, because it had to be Aaron returning to us. 

He was never able to take a breath on this Earth, and to me, I feel like his spirit will have another chance to return.

But once again, God had made other plans for us!

I'm delighted to be having another princess. They are sooo much fun.

Ever since having Boston, I've always told Colby that I really wanted at least one more child of each gender. But he was kinda only wanting 1 more child, period. 

Maybe we are having a girl, so that I can convince him we need to have another boy. Ha!

We shall see, and have plenty of time to make that decision. 

 The rest of the ultrasound went great, and she looks very healthy and on track. 

After we went to the store, let the girls each pick out something for baby sister, got some pink balloons and went and did our family pics with Lindsay one last time before she leaves.
 

16 Weeks

Well, I think I'm finally letting myself make this real. 

Finally making a little bit of plans and letting myself be excited. 

When I went in for my appt, my Dr. was so happy that I'd finally gained 4 lbs!

The baby continued to look strong. 

I feel like I'm showing a lot for only being 16 weeks, but I get bigger faster each time. 

My belly button pops out super early now too. 

I still don't feel wonderful, but much better than I did in the early weeks. 

 I just always have so many food aversions, it can be difficult. 

My energy has mostly returned. 

We haven't really announced to anyone. 

A few close friends/family know, because its hard to hide from people you see everyday!

It gets more and more obvious by the week though. 

We plan on telling the kids the day before we go to the ultrasound. 

If I had to make a guess, I'm going with another BOY. 

I've been right 4/4, so we'll see. Though we don't really have a preference either way.

I have my 20 week ultrasound scheduled for the first week of June. 

I'm quite anxious about it, and think it will all feel so much better after that.

12/14 week appts

I went in for my 12 week appt as a nervous wreck. 

But Dr. has been amazing though and has (and will continue) to do a quick ultrasound as soon as she comes in. 

Its been very nice.

Everything looked ok today. 

She asked if I would like to come in at 14 weeks, which is when I miscarried before. 

I told her no. 

I'd been to the dr. so many times already for well checks, and sick kids. 

Plus, I doubted that even if I did miscarry again that it would be the exact same time, and there would be nothing I could do about it.
Its not easy to just 'pop' over for more appts with 3 kids. 

Fast forward 2 weeks into m 13th-ish week, and I started to really panic again. 

So I made a last minute appt before I left town to go to Utah. 

I really didn't want to do a roadtrip without knowing for sure if the baby was ok. 

Again, the Dr. was great and very understanding. 

And everything still looks great and the baby's heart was beating strong. 

Phew. 

That made me feel so much better, though I'm still more nervous than normal.

Today

Today.

Today I love you. 

Today I miss you still. 

Days will turn into years, but I'll always remember you with silent tears.

*********

Its ok. I'm ok. What happened, happened. 

But we're ok. There is more peace than pain.

There is hope, and survival through all of it. 

Nothing will ever change now, we just accept it, learn to live with it. 

Its ok. 

Love you Aaron.

12 weeks

Yes, I'm now 12 weeks into my 5th pregnancy. 

I've never waited so long to write down something about a pregnancy.

Guess thats what you get after a painful miscarriage. 

Apprehension. Nerves. Almost denial. 

Don't get me wrong. We wanted to get pregnant again. Felt ready. 

And excited about it. But  not like before. 

I can't be like before.
I can't let myself be excited. Not yet. 

I've not thought about the future, or made any plans for the coming months, like is normal for me. 

In some ways, its been easier. 

I've been busy and tried not to think about the possibility of another loss. 

Its made this 1st trimester fly by.

Still been long days. 

Days filled with exhaustion and nausea.

But having done this now 5x, I've learned to cope. 

I still feel like crap most of the time, but I learn what helps, what doesn't. 

What I should do, and what I should let go of for now. 

My energy is starting to return, but I don't expect the nausea to go away for several more weeks.

I already had my 8 week appt. 

Tomorrow is my 12 week appt. I'm nervous, and anxious.

And yet, not matter what tomorrow brings, I don't think I'll feel much relief yet. 

I think it will be better if things go well at my 16 week appt, but I won't let myself be excited until after my 20 week ultrasound. I'm that nervous. Scared. Even though I may just always be holding my breath a little. 

It seems surreal to me. Like its not actually happening.

Its weird and hard to explain. 

Anyways, thats my update for now.

A Return

Well, its April. 

Less than 2 weeks from what my due date once was. 

And knowing that I usually go early, I could have been holding a sweet baby boy at any time now.

Its been a good couple months. 

By the time the new year rolled around, I was feeling pretty normal again. 

I still think of Aaron. Not as often though. And its not as painful. Not as emotional. 

But suddenly, with my due date so close, the grief is coming back. 

The tears have started rolling. 

I have about 5-6 friends who were all due within a month or so of me. 

They are all having their babies, or awfully close to. 

While I've never felt any jealousy or anger towards any of them, it can be hard to see. 

I so wanted my spring baby. 

Someone elses pregnancy and my miscarriage have aboslutely nothing to do with each other and I'm glad that I've never been angry about that. 

But it does serve as a reminder about what I lost, and thats whats hard about it. 

I can't help but think, how would I be feeling, now at 38 weeks?

Or how would my delivery have gone and what would my baby have looked like?

I see these beautiful babies sent from Heaven, and I just want to hold mine too. 

I don't think I'd ever put him down. 

I expected this month to be hard. 

Didn't think it would hit me so fast and so hard on the first day of April though.

I've heard that you can't really move on from a miscarriage until your due date has passed.

I do expect things to improve after my due date, but I will always think of him. Always love him and feel like we missed out. 

I've never had any strong feelings or understanding about why this happened. 

But I know God had his reasons, even if I don't know why yet. 

He has brought me comfort and strength.

But there is simply no way to ignore this month. 

Ignore the fact of how excited I was to do Easter pics with all 4 of my children.

So excited for Boston to get his first little brother. Excited for my girls to be great helpers with him. 

They were all supposed to be here. And there will always be a void without him. 

I'm glad for this time though too. 

Its beautiful. 

Spring, Easter, life and color returning to the Earth. 

Such hope and happiness. 

I love to see my kids playing in the warm sunshine again, and making summer plans.

It is a special time, and a time to rejoice, and I'm thankful for that. 

Such a stark difference though. 

April is all about celebrating life, when I'm trying to mourn the death of my son.

My emotions are all over the place, obviously.

Crazy

I'm going a little crazy and need to get these thoughts out of my head....

I had a Dr. appt. this morning. I was supposed to go back in for a post-op checkup. 

Make sure everything is ok and I have fully recovered. 

This appt, should have been a month ago, but due to insurance changes, couldn't get in until January.

Anyways, the Dr did an internal ultrasound as well as a pelvic exam and urine (hormone) test.

Everything was normal except for the ultrasound. She found some sort of 'abnormality' on my uterus. 

She would like me to get another test done at the Reproductive Endocrinology dept. 

This has again, taken me totally by surprise. 

She said, the abnormality was most likely missed during my previous ultrasounds due to the baby blocking it. And that it may or may not be what caused the miscarriage. 

Also, my uterine lining is uneven, and she was concerned about my abnormal bleeding after my periods.

She wouldn't really go into details about much. Just said we need to wait and get a better test done and go from there. 

Which makes me believe that only bad things are coming and maybe this is it for us. 

I dunno what to think. I'm scared to death. 

Scared of what they might find and what it will mean for us.

That my worst fears will be coming true and we will no longer be able to have children. 

I dunno. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it'll be nothing. 

But how can I not worry? How can I not go to all those paranoid and bad thoughts?

I need answers. And fast. 

My mind is racing, and head is spinning. 

Yet, through all this, there has been a gentle feeling that IF, for whatever reason, we can't have more children, then maybe this will be our road to adoption.

Which is a strange thought to have right now, I know. 

Ever since I was little, I've always wanted to adopt a child. To give them a better life than they would have had. I think it would be amazing. Hard....but amazing.

But its never really been on our plan due to the expense and fact that we've not had any problems having children.

I just don't know. After what the past few months have been like, and now being told this from the Dr., my mind has just been going a thousand different directions. 

I just hope we can get the tests scheduled SOON and have our answers. 

I'm going crazy and needed to get some of this out.