12/14 week appts

I went in for my 12 week appt as a nervous wreck. 

But Dr. has been amazing though and has (and will continue) to do a quick ultrasound as soon as she comes in. 

Its been very nice.

Everything looked ok today. 

She asked if I would like to come in at 14 weeks, which is when I miscarried before. 

I told her no. 

I'd been to the dr. so many times already for well checks, and sick kids. 

Plus, I doubted that even if I did miscarry again that it would be the exact same time, and there would be nothing I could do about it.
Its not easy to just 'pop' over for more appts with 3 kids. 

Fast forward 2 weeks into m 13th-ish week, and I started to really panic again. 

So I made a last minute appt before I left town to go to Utah. 

I really didn't want to do a roadtrip without knowing for sure if the baby was ok. 

Again, the Dr. was great and very understanding. 

And everything still looks great and the baby's heart was beating strong. 

Phew. 

That made me feel so much better, though I'm still more nervous than normal.

Today

Today.

Today I love you. 

Today I miss you still. 

Days will turn into years, but I'll always remember you with silent tears.

*********

Its ok. I'm ok. What happened, happened. 

But we're ok. There is more peace than pain.

There is hope, and survival through all of it. 

Nothing will ever change now, we just accept it, learn to live with it. 

Its ok. 

Love you Aaron.

12 weeks

Yes, I'm now 12 weeks into my 5th pregnancy. 

I've never waited so long to write down something about a pregnancy.

Guess thats what you get after a painful miscarriage. 

Apprehension. Nerves. Almost denial. 

Don't get me wrong. We wanted to get pregnant again. Felt ready. 

And excited about it. But  not like before. 

I can't be like before.
I can't let myself be excited. Not yet. 

I've not thought about the future, or made any plans for the coming months, like is normal for me. 

In some ways, its been easier. 

I've been busy and tried not to think about the possibility of another loss. 

Its made this 1st trimester fly by.

Still been long days. 

Days filled with exhaustion and nausea.

But having done this now 5x, I've learned to cope. 

I still feel like crap most of the time, but I learn what helps, what doesn't. 

What I should do, and what I should let go of for now. 

My energy is starting to return, but I don't expect the nausea to go away for several more weeks.

I already had my 8 week appt. 

Tomorrow is my 12 week appt. I'm nervous, and anxious.

And yet, not matter what tomorrow brings, I don't think I'll feel much relief yet. 

I think it will be better if things go well at my 16 week appt, but I won't let myself be excited until after my 20 week ultrasound. I'm that nervous. Scared. Even though I may just always be holding my breath a little. 

It seems surreal to me. Like its not actually happening.

Its weird and hard to explain. 

Anyways, thats my update for now.

A Return

Well, its April. 

Less than 2 weeks from what my due date once was. 

And knowing that I usually go early, I could have been holding a sweet baby boy at any time now.

Its been a good couple months. 

By the time the new year rolled around, I was feeling pretty normal again. 

I still think of Aaron. Not as often though. And its not as painful. Not as emotional. 

But suddenly, with my due date so close, the grief is coming back. 

The tears have started rolling. 

I have about 5-6 friends who were all due within a month or so of me. 

They are all having their babies, or awfully close to. 

While I've never felt any jealousy or anger towards any of them, it can be hard to see. 

I so wanted my spring baby. 

Someone elses pregnancy and my miscarriage have aboslutely nothing to do with each other and I'm glad that I've never been angry about that. 

But it does serve as a reminder about what I lost, and thats whats hard about it. 

I can't help but think, how would I be feeling, now at 38 weeks?

Or how would my delivery have gone and what would my baby have looked like?

I see these beautiful babies sent from Heaven, and I just want to hold mine too. 

I don't think I'd ever put him down. 

I expected this month to be hard. 

Didn't think it would hit me so fast and so hard on the first day of April though.

I've heard that you can't really move on from a miscarriage until your due date has passed.

I do expect things to improve after my due date, but I will always think of him. Always love him and feel like we missed out. 

I've never had any strong feelings or understanding about why this happened. 

But I know God had his reasons, even if I don't know why yet. 

He has brought me comfort and strength.

But there is simply no way to ignore this month. 

Ignore the fact of how excited I was to do Easter pics with all 4 of my children.

So excited for Boston to get his first little brother. Excited for my girls to be great helpers with him. 

They were all supposed to be here. And there will always be a void without him. 

I'm glad for this time though too. 

Its beautiful. 

Spring, Easter, life and color returning to the Earth. 

Such hope and happiness. 

I love to see my kids playing in the warm sunshine again, and making summer plans.

It is a special time, and a time to rejoice, and I'm thankful for that. 

Such a stark difference though. 

April is all about celebrating life, when I'm trying to mourn the death of my son.

My emotions are all over the place, obviously.