On the Eve

I had yet another Dr. Appt today. 

They are really dragging this out. 

I went in for a pre-op appt. 

She explained everything about my procedure. 

I can't eat or drink anything for 8 hours before, which totally sucks. 

My body still feels, acts, and thinks that I'm pregnant and in the 2nd trimester. 

So I'm hungry all the time. 

Not to mention my low blood pressure, so without food and water, I get lightheaded and nauseous real quick. 

It'll be a long day sitting around, waiting for a surgery that will remove my baby from me. 

I'll be knocked out. Which I'm thankful for. 

They will also do chromosomal testing on the baby. 

This will tell us the gender, as well as if there were any chromosomal problems that caused the baby to pass away. 

I hope this will help give us answers and peace. 

I'm supposed to take a week off 'work'

Which I always find funny as a stay at home Mom. 

We don't get a week off. Ever. 

Then she implanted some stuff into my cervix. 

It is supposed to help start my dilation in preparation for tomorrow. 

It was painful to have in, and I've been cramping all day. 

Its been a hard day. I've just been onery and impatient. 

Poor Maddie was upset after her bath. 

I was trying to get her dressed when she threw a book and hit me in the mouth. 

It only hurt a little, but it just set me off.
I didn't want to get mad at her, or let them see me so upset.

I walked off crying and went to my room. 

It wasn't that she hit me. Its been a hard week for the kids too. 

It was just that I couldn't handle anything else. 

I just cried while Colby dealt with them. 

Soon she came in and gave me a hug and cried with me. 

She has never seen me react like that and I think it really scared and upset her.
Kids are intuitive. She knows that I've been 'off' all week but has no way to understand it. 

She just wanted to cuddle, and it was just what we both needed.

At this point, I really just want to skip ahead to next week. 

I want to get it over with, and in the same breath, I don't. 

I want to keep my baby longer. I don't want it to be real. 

I don't want to say goodbye. 

I don't know how to say goodbye. 

How do you say goodbye to someone you've never even said hello to?

How do you get closure when you have nothing?

Tomorrow is the day we say good bye......