Angry

Yesterday was just one of those no good, horrible, very bad days. 

For the first few days after my surgery, I felt ok. 

I felt peace and calm. I was still devastated, but I felt ok. 

Adjusted, maybe?

But about a week out, things went downhill. 

I just felt angry. 

I'm not angry at anyone. Not even God. I do believe he had his reasons. 

I guess I'm just angry at the situation. 

Angry to have lost all control and choice in the matter. 

Angry to be put through this. 

Angry to have lost something that can't be replaced. 

I'm just mad. I can't really explain it. 

Wednesday was a hard day and Colby's been working late so I've been on my own too much. 

I was feeling very overwhelmed with household duties, Mother duties, and trying to mourn. 

After I got the kids in bed, I just broke down and went to bed at 7:30.

I haven't been sleeping well, so I'm sure thats not helping anything. 

I woke up early Thursday to volunteer at Peyton's school at 7:40am. 

I woke up to still find the house a mess, dishes piled high, and even food left out from dinner. 

This kind of stuff drives me insane so I was mad instantly and feeling even more overwhelmed. 

I ended up cleaning most the morning and not only did it get my house clean temporarily, but helped me release some anger. 

Deep cleaning a big house is much like a good workout. 

The weekend went OK, but I was still not in a great mood. 

Colby has hardly been home all week and weekend to help out and he has had a bad week as well. 

Monday was another bad day. 

I just find myself impatient with the kids, and not just wanting, but needing a break. 

I hate when I don't handle them gently and lovingly, but I was having a hard time juggling everything. 

I just want to scream and cry and have a really intense workout or something. 

I need to release my anger and frustration. 

I don't want to do that in front of my kids and I'm trying my best not to.

But I so rarely get a moment to myself that I don't know when I'm supposed to be able to be sad and grieve.

I love my kids and I do still find joy in playing with them each day. 

I'm glad I have them to hug and hold and keep me busy. 

But they can also be overwhelming at times and I'm pretty maxed out on what I can currently handle. 

I can only be so strong. 

I just wish I didn't feel so angry. 

I expected sadness, but not this anger. 

Its not like me to feel this way, and I hate it. 

I can handle all the devastation and sadness, but I'm not sure what to do with how upset I am.