Crazy

I'm going a little crazy and need to get these thoughts out of my head....

I had a Dr. appt. this morning. I was supposed to go back in for a post-op checkup. 

Make sure everything is ok and I have fully recovered. 

This appt, should have been a month ago, but due to insurance changes, couldn't get in until January.

Anyways, the Dr did an internal ultrasound as well as a pelvic exam and urine (hormone) test.

Everything was normal except for the ultrasound. She found some sort of 'abnormality' on my uterus. 

She would like me to get another test done at the Reproductive Endocrinology dept. 

This has again, taken me totally by surprise. 

She said, the abnormality was most likely missed during my previous ultrasounds due to the baby blocking it. And that it may or may not be what caused the miscarriage. 

Also, my uterine lining is uneven, and she was concerned about my abnormal bleeding after my periods.

She wouldn't really go into details about much. Just said we need to wait and get a better test done and go from there. 

Which makes me believe that only bad things are coming and maybe this is it for us. 

I dunno what to think. I'm scared to death. 

Scared of what they might find and what it will mean for us.

That my worst fears will be coming true and we will no longer be able to have children. 

I dunno. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it'll be nothing. 

But how can I not worry? How can I not go to all those paranoid and bad thoughts?

I need answers. And fast. 

My mind is racing, and head is spinning. 

Yet, through all this, there has been a gentle feeling that IF, for whatever reason, we can't have more children, then maybe this will be our road to adoption.

Which is a strange thought to have right now, I know. 

Ever since I was little, I've always wanted to adopt a child. To give them a better life than they would have had. I think it would be amazing. Hard....but amazing.

But its never really been on our plan due to the expense and fact that we've not had any problems having children.

I just don't know. After what the past few months have been like, and now being told this from the Dr., my mind has just been going a thousand different directions. 

I just hope we can get the tests scheduled SOON and have our answers. 

I'm going crazy and needed to get some of this out.