12 weeks

Yes, I'm now 12 weeks into my 5th pregnancy. 

I've never waited so long to write down something about a pregnancy.

Guess thats what you get after a painful miscarriage. 

Apprehension. Nerves. Almost denial. 

Don't get me wrong. We wanted to get pregnant again. Felt ready. 

And excited about it. But  not like before. 

I can't be like before.
I can't let myself be excited. Not yet. 

I've not thought about the future, or made any plans for the coming months, like is normal for me. 

In some ways, its been easier. 

I've been busy and tried not to think about the possibility of another loss. 

Its made this 1st trimester fly by.

Still been long days. 

Days filled with exhaustion and nausea.

But having done this now 5x, I've learned to cope. 

I still feel like crap most of the time, but I learn what helps, what doesn't. 

What I should do, and what I should let go of for now. 

My energy is starting to return, but I don't expect the nausea to go away for several more weeks.

I already had my 8 week appt. 

Tomorrow is my 12 week appt. I'm nervous, and anxious.

And yet, not matter what tomorrow brings, I don't think I'll feel much relief yet. 

I think it will be better if things go well at my 16 week appt, but I won't let myself be excited until after my 20 week ultrasound. I'm that nervous. Scared. Even though I may just always be holding my breath a little. 

It seems surreal to me. Like its not actually happening.

Its weird and hard to explain. 

Anyways, thats my update for now.

A Return

Well, its April. 

Less than 2 weeks from what my due date once was. 

And knowing that I usually go early, I could have been holding a sweet baby boy at any time now.

Its been a good couple months. 

By the time the new year rolled around, I was feeling pretty normal again. 

I still think of Aaron. Not as often though. And its not as painful. Not as emotional. 

But suddenly, with my due date so close, the grief is coming back. 

The tears have started rolling. 

I have about 5-6 friends who were all due within a month or so of me. 

They are all having their babies, or awfully close to. 

While I've never felt any jealousy or anger towards any of them, it can be hard to see. 

I so wanted my spring baby. 

Someone elses pregnancy and my miscarriage have aboslutely nothing to do with each other and I'm glad that I've never been angry about that. 

But it does serve as a reminder about what I lost, and thats whats hard about it. 

I can't help but think, how would I be feeling, now at 38 weeks?

Or how would my delivery have gone and what would my baby have looked like?

I see these beautiful babies sent from Heaven, and I just want to hold mine too. 

I don't think I'd ever put him down. 

I expected this month to be hard. 

Didn't think it would hit me so fast and so hard on the first day of April though.

I've heard that you can't really move on from a miscarriage until your due date has passed.

I do expect things to improve after my due date, but I will always think of him. Always love him and feel like we missed out. 

I've never had any strong feelings or understanding about why this happened. 

But I know God had his reasons, even if I don't know why yet. 

He has brought me comfort and strength.

But there is simply no way to ignore this month. 

Ignore the fact of how excited I was to do Easter pics with all 4 of my children.

So excited for Boston to get his first little brother. Excited for my girls to be great helpers with him. 

They were all supposed to be here. And there will always be a void without him. 

I'm glad for this time though too. 

Its beautiful. 

Spring, Easter, life and color returning to the Earth. 

Such hope and happiness. 

I love to see my kids playing in the warm sunshine again, and making summer plans.

It is a special time, and a time to rejoice, and I'm thankful for that. 

Such a stark difference though. 

April is all about celebrating life, when I'm trying to mourn the death of my son.

My emotions are all over the place, obviously.

Crazy

I'm going a little crazy and need to get these thoughts out of my head....

I had a Dr. appt. this morning. I was supposed to go back in for a post-op checkup. 

Make sure everything is ok and I have fully recovered. 

This appt, should have been a month ago, but due to insurance changes, couldn't get in until January.

Anyways, the Dr did an internal ultrasound as well as a pelvic exam and urine (hormone) test.

Everything was normal except for the ultrasound. She found some sort of 'abnormality' on my uterus. 

She would like me to get another test done at the Reproductive Endocrinology dept. 

This has again, taken me totally by surprise. 

She said, the abnormality was most likely missed during my previous ultrasounds due to the baby blocking it. And that it may or may not be what caused the miscarriage. 

Also, my uterine lining is uneven, and she was concerned about my abnormal bleeding after my periods.

She wouldn't really go into details about much. Just said we need to wait and get a better test done and go from there. 

Which makes me believe that only bad things are coming and maybe this is it for us. 

I dunno what to think. I'm scared to death. 

Scared of what they might find and what it will mean for us.

That my worst fears will be coming true and we will no longer be able to have children. 

I dunno. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it'll be nothing. 

But how can I not worry? How can I not go to all those paranoid and bad thoughts?

I need answers. And fast. 

My mind is racing, and head is spinning. 

Yet, through all this, there has been a gentle feeling that IF, for whatever reason, we can't have more children, then maybe this will be our road to adoption.

Which is a strange thought to have right now, I know. 

Ever since I was little, I've always wanted to adopt a child. To give them a better life than they would have had. I think it would be amazing. Hard....but amazing.

But its never really been on our plan due to the expense and fact that we've not had any problems having children.

I just don't know. After what the past few months have been like, and now being told this from the Dr., my mind has just been going a thousand different directions. 

I just hope we can get the tests scheduled SOON and have our answers. 

I'm going crazy and needed to get some of this out.

Dear Aaron,

My sweet boy. Its taken me weeks to write you this letter. Trying to figure out all I wanted to say to you. First off, I want you to know how much we love and miss you. You were taken from us too soon to be able to hold, but certainly not too soon for us to love. You were real to me as soon as we were ready to start trying for another baby. You were real to me when I realized I was pregnant. You were certainly real when I first heard your steady heartbeat at 9 weeks. You were real to me as we made so many plans for you in our family. Real, as we imagined all you'd be.

Losing a child is, without a doubt, the hardest thing a Mother goes through. I've been on an absolute roller coaster of emotions through all this.  Anger, frustration, heartache, pain, grief, fear, and overwhelming love.

 I know that you're in a better place. I am grateful, in some sense, that you never knew cold, pain, hunger, hate or trials of any kind. You only knew warmth and love.

 If I could have even just one minute with you, I would tell you this. I would hold you and kiss you and you would never doubt my love for you. I would tell you how much we wanted you. How we planned for you. How we anxiously awaited for your arrival. How we were so excited to add another brother to our family and the visions of what you would be like.
I have always wanted to have 2 girls, and then 2 boys. In that order. I've had so many thoughts of you and Boston playing together, as brothers especially. I had so looked forward to that. I feel like we not only lost you, but we lost so many of the memories and things we would have shared with you. I think thats the hardest. We didn't get to even really make one 'real' memory with you. Nothing to know you by. Nothing to remember or look back on fondly. Thats what makes the gaping hole you left, so big. It wasn't just you-it was everything you would have been. Everything you would have brought to our family and to the world. I really can't even put into words everything I feel like I've lost.
I hope that you're safe. Happy. I hope that Heavenly Father and Jesus are hugging you, holding you on their knee. I hope they tell you how much we love you. And how much they love you too. I know that there will come a time when we meet again. I will always strive to me my best, so I can make it back to you. When I get there, I will run to you. I can only imagine the happiness I will feel in that moment. You will never be forgotten. You will always be loved. Always be missed. My dear angel boy.
                                                             Love, Mommy

What I know...

The thing with grief is that while others love and support you, it eventually fades. 

Yet, when you're the one going through it, it doesn't end that quickly. 

It doesn't just go away after a month or two. 

But everyone else moves on with their life and you start feeling very alone in your pain. 

But there are a few remaining who continually ask how I am. 

Here's what I know:

-Time doesn't heal all wounds. But it does help. The pain is less. I haven't had an entirely bad day in several weeks. The 'bad' comes in moments or hours now. The pain changes, softens a bit. This is not to say that everyday gets a little bit easier, as if grief progresses in a linear fashion, because moments of intense grief can sneak up on you at any moment, even months later. But in general, the pain and grief I feel today are much different from the pain and grief I felt at the beginning.

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
― Rose Kennedy

-I am thankful for my kids here on Earth. I find probably more joy in them now. I've always adored my kids, but its just different now. Puts a new perspective on them. I'm more patient and willing to 'waste' the day reading to them, playing with them, and falling asleep with them when they are scared.  I can't tell you how many times in the past 2 months, that I go into Boston's room late at night, scoop him up, and sit in the rocking chair with him. Just cuddling with him and enjoying him. 

-The book the hospital gave me has been incredibly helpful. I read it as often as I get a chance, which lately, hasn't been much. But I'm grateful for it and the solace I find in it. 

-I'm having an internal battle about when we will have more kids. I want more than anything for my kids to be close in age. I think its better. I love it. Right now, we're at a 2.5 year gap. Which I know, isn't that close for most people, but its more than I want. Plus, there are only so many months out of the year that I am willing to have a baby in. I don't want any kids in July, Aug, Sep, Dec or Jan. I know-I'm crazy, but I have my reasons. I love the 'spring' timeline, but not sure I want to wait that much longer. And even though I'm more likely to go on and have a perfectly healthy pregnancy, I cannot even put into words, how truly terrified I am, that I will have another miscarriage. I'm so scared of that, after having been through this one. To have another would be even more devastating. Even thinking about it puts me in a panic. Plus, my periods are still so weird that I wouldn't even know when I'm ovulating.

-Despite the fact, that I have no Christmas spirit this year, I'm forcing myself to do it. I need to do it for my kids. Christmas is such a special time for them-full of wonder and joy. They (mostly) understand what Christmas is, and Jesus's birth. I can't take that away from them. I don't want to ruin any of it for them. It would only make it more painful for everyone. My children are here. Waiting for me to make it special for them. We put up decorations, decorated the tree, have already seen Santa 3x, and I'm doing my best to make it special. I need to do it for them. They deserve it. And doing it for them, has made things easier on me. Its kept me busy and focusing on them-instead of on my pain and grief.

I think what I struggle with most right now is exhaustion. I haven't been sleeping well at all. When I take a sleeping pill though, it helps, but it also makes me sooo drowsy all throughout the next day. So I only take it when I've had a couple bad nights and desperately need sleep. But when I'm tired, then I tend to get cranky, which isn't good for anyone. The physical exhaustion also tends to make my emotional exhaustion worse. I don't get as much done, which leads me to feel overwhelmed and stressed because of everything I need to do. When I feel tired, then I tend to feel 'down' and sad and makes me think of him more. I really just want to be able to sleep again. 

Missed

 Today we were able to return to the hospital to pick up our baby's remains. 

Life is just not fair when a mother has to bury their child.

Its the most heartbreaking thing in the world. 

I can't tell you how much it hurts that this is the first time I've been able to really 'hold' my Aaron boy. 

So many tears shed today. So much heartache.

This was something that I both dreaded, and yet looked forward to. 

I think one of the hardest things about miscarriage, is the lack of closure. The lack of memories to look back on. The lack of getting to see and hold your baby and feel their soft skin. 

I still don't really get to see him and feel his skin, but I do get to hold him. 

I looked forward to being able to get some closure and able to bury him with our love and goodbyes. 

But I dreaded it too. I dreaded how much I knew it would hurt. I dreaded how real it would be. How heartbreaking. How final.

But the hospital was very sensitive and kind. We sat and talked with the chaplain for a few moments while they went to collect everything. But as soon as a nurse walked in, holding a small white box, I lost it. She handed me my baby as tears streamed down my face. No one should ever have to see their baby packed away in a little box.

Inside was a smaller box, as well as a sweet little teddy bear. One more momento to remember our sweet Aaron by.

  They also gave me a book called Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. 

I've already found so much help in it.

 I had also bought an engraved necklace last week for him. 

I'm so glad that I've been able to finally have a couple items to remind me of him. 

Something to hold onto. 

I'm glad that I've gotten a lot of closure, compared to most miscarriages.

 The holidays are going to be really hard this year without him. 

The timing of all this continues to be hard. 

We picked him up the day before Thanksgiving. 

I've tried really hard throughout November to see all that I have to be thankful for. 

And I really do. And I'm thankful. 

But it doesn't make any of this any easier. It just makes me more sad. 

 

I have absolutely no 'Christmas spirit' right now. 

Which is sad because I usually love this time of year SO much.

I had pictured us doing so many things for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and was so excited to take family pics and send out a Christmas card with our exciting announcement.

I had pictured us doing so many things, me with a cute little 20-something week belly. 

I miss him.

Aaron Mower

So once I found out that we were having a boy, I couldn't shake the feeling of needing to give him a name. 

We've talked before about naming the baby. But it just felt weird and pointless.

But now, nothing has felt this 'right' in a long time. 

I'm tired of referring to him as 'the baby' or 'it' or 'him.'

He needs a name to be remembered and known by. 

All I cared about for his name this time, was the meaning of it. 

I looked up names that meant 'angel,' 'pure,' 'love,' etc. etc. 

I finally found one that I loved and had great meaning.

Aaron

Its means 'exalted on high.'

How perfectly fitting. 

It gave me so much peace to give our sweet boy a name. 

Something for us to call him. Something to hold onto.

He is our angel. Our star up above. 

Our Aaron. 

We love you so much.

When I had my surgery, someone came in and talked to us about what we would like to do with the baby's remains. 

I had no idea until then that we would have any choice in the matter and I was unprepared to make the decision. 

They could cremate him, which we would never get back. 

Or they would give us the remains to do what we wished. 

I was too overwhelmed to decide, so the last option, is taking (up to) 30 days to decide. 

I went with that option. 

As I've thought about it over the last few weeks, I was leaning towards us taking the remains. 

The brick wall I kept hitting after that, was what to do with them. 

I didn't know where we could bury them without paying for a gravesite, or having somewhere that I know we could always return to. 

(Hence, our backyard or anything like that is out of the question, etc.)

So basically I was stuck and couldn't decide. 

But as soon as I got the phone call about him being a boy, I knew I wanted to take his remains. 

Now that we have a gender and name, I just feel like we need to do something with his remains.

I still don't know what to do with them, but I can figure that out later. 

Unfortunately, I was just barely out of the 30 day window by then. 

I called and left a message and haven't heard back yet.

I hope with all my heart that I'm not too late to be able to get them.

I feel like all this may finally be giving me some much-needed closure.