Missed

 Today we were able to return to the hospital to pick up our baby's remains. 

Life is just not fair when a mother has to bury their child.

Its the most heartbreaking thing in the world. 

I can't tell you how much it hurts that this is the first time I've been able to really 'hold' my Aaron boy. 

So many tears shed today. So much heartache.

This was something that I both dreaded, and yet looked forward to. 

I think one of the hardest things about miscarriage, is the lack of closure. The lack of memories to look back on. The lack of getting to see and hold your baby and feel their soft skin. 

I still don't really get to see him and feel his skin, but I do get to hold him. 

I looked forward to being able to get some closure and able to bury him with our love and goodbyes. 

But I dreaded it too. I dreaded how much I knew it would hurt. I dreaded how real it would be. How heartbreaking. How final.

But the hospital was very sensitive and kind. We sat and talked with the chaplain for a few moments while they went to collect everything. But as soon as a nurse walked in, holding a small white box, I lost it. She handed me my baby as tears streamed down my face. No one should ever have to see their baby packed away in a little box.

Inside was a smaller box, as well as a sweet little teddy bear. One more momento to remember our sweet Aaron by.

  They also gave me a book called Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. 

I've already found so much help in it.

 I had also bought an engraved necklace last week for him. 

I'm so glad that I've been able to finally have a couple items to remind me of him. 

Something to hold onto. 

I'm glad that I've gotten a lot of closure, compared to most miscarriages.

 The holidays are going to be really hard this year without him. 

The timing of all this continues to be hard. 

We picked him up the day before Thanksgiving. 

I've tried really hard throughout November to see all that I have to be thankful for. 

And I really do. And I'm thankful. 

But it doesn't make any of this any easier. It just makes me more sad. 

 

I have absolutely no 'Christmas spirit' right now. 

Which is sad because I usually love this time of year SO much.

I had pictured us doing so many things for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and was so excited to take family pics and send out a Christmas card with our exciting announcement.

I had pictured us doing so many things, me with a cute little 20-something week belly. 

I miss him.